welcome to the jungle...we've got fun and games?

 I can hardly contain my excitement about the upcoming season of Human Planet. in the most nerdy and belletristic of nature, I spent hours the other night watching clips on the youTube depicting wondrous human tribes from all over the world.  I was utterly and entirely transfixed by these aboriginal people doing amazing, astonishing things that their day to day survival was contingent upon. literally.

while enthralled and mystified by some of the unbelievable customs and practices of these people, I couldn't help but wonder what an episode would be like if the show decided to candidly exploit our beloved Mercer as one of the "wild and exotic cultures".

in an effort to save time, I've decided to solely capitalize on the mating and socialization processes of the recherche Mercerian beast.  (if you care to learn about nutrition, see "coin star diet" post).

***note, the following should be read in a very sophisticated British accent as to experience the full effect.

The Mercerian tribe is rare and bizarre, comprised of a wide variety of breeds. these highly adaptive mammals range in age, coloring, size, and shape. every year, parents from all over send their young to the Maconga in an attempt to prepare them for adulthood. this rat pack migrates from lands near and far in pursuit in of learning how to take on the accepted practices of their greater species. the goal of this coming of age maturation process is ultimately that these creatures one day can assimilate into the real world (or just to get off of papa bear's payroll. tomatoe, tomato?).

the mating rituals of the Mercerian may be some of the most primitive and competitive known to the new world.  the female Mercerian's fight over a very small and select group of mancubs whom are perceived as alpha males (or whichever Greek house of preference).  the females become possessive, doing anything to fight, for thus keep, their mate once they believe they have found a winner.  the erratic behavior that accompanies this obsession includes aggression, submission, and overall general cuckooness in nature.  in the most extreme of cases, the females will even forgo friends in the fox chase of "true love." bloody hell!
*note, it is not completely unheard of for a dowry to be exchanged between families of the fugo's to the anticipated sugar daddies of tomorrow.

if you are wondering how these vestigial creatures find their mates in the first place, we must analyze the indigenous mating calls of the eligible gentlemen.  there are two main groups of beaus at Mercer: the hunters and the gatherers.
     the hunters are the aggressive, deliberate men on missions out at the bar simply looking for prey to slay.  when they go out on the town, they undoubtedly plan on coming home with something to mount (whether on the wall or otherwise). these Neanderthal's are on the prowl. feeling as though they must bring something home to prove their masculinity to their peers, they disregard just how beastly or grotesque their "trophy" may be.
     on the contrary, you have the gatherers. these are the social hunters who would rather bring people home and calmly interact with them in their natural surroundings.  the gatherers plan their pickings carefully, and are not near as hasty as to what they bring home -as they wouldn't want to accidentally bring home poison ivy or other flowers that could result in rashes of any kind.


the females of the Mercian tribe have mastered the art of exclusion and the exertion of domineering behavior.  while this sense of superiority is often unsubstantiated, these lionesses exert cattiness in order to protect not only their territory, but also their pride (appreciate the punnieness, please).  this is a characteristic common among animals, and it can be best illustrated when studying how the arctic baboons implement a hierarchy when bathing in the warm springs.  while some of the baboons can relax in comfort while visiting the local watering hole, others must sit beside the edge of the water, frigid in the subzero- temperature abyss.  those ostracized baboons may be sad, cold, and completely pathetic, but there is a method to this seemingly mean and malicious madness.  when a new meager mandrill comes along, there is usually one of the elite baboons who feels sorry for it and befriends it. the newly befriended primate then adapts a false sense of superiority, evolving into a mean girl ((serziously, you've seen Mean Girls) p.s. I tried to find the "this is how this situation is dealt with in the animal kingdom"/ "the girls have gone wild" clip and I only found porno-esque titles on the youTube. so awk...).

 in the end, the Mercerian culture is unique, and selective at best. it has been alive and kickin' for over 175 years, and despite the astronomically high tuition those of us not on scholarship have to pay, it seems as though its not going anywhere soon. this fellowship of fools may continue to develop, as does the  temerity of this troupe. 
just feel free to call me Nigel Thornberry,
xoxo- bianca

p.s. LOVE "Human Planet"  watch, become obsessed, please.

a cameo from my kibitzer.

please see Lauren Lantz's latest post regarding Mercer and the diploma that comes with it. SO brilliant and SO true.

http://thelifeplancrisis.blogspot.com/

and to give credit where credit is due, I'm sure Princess Oreo helped proof-read/ edit it.

whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed...

after spending the past week in warm, tropical, and exotic places, many mercerians are confused upon returning back to the macongo. in an attempt to salvage what little bit is left of my own sanity, while also maybe helping some clueless individuals around me, I have decided to help with a short little list of what not to wear. I know, I'm no Stacey London (I refuse to have that "dignified" steak of grey in my hair), but I have been told before that my fashion sense isn't completely horrid.

1.  while it may be getting warmer, Easter has still not occurred.  that means NO white shoes, shorts, or anything else.  until we celebrate christ emerging from the tomb and seeing the light, you better emerge from your dorm and make others see the white. also, why it shouldn't even have to be said, plastic white jewelry/ accessories are disgusting. NO NO NO.

2. sundresses are deemed so because you're supposed to wear them in the sun, aka: during the day. I know when you're at the beach, and daytime drinking turns into midnight, sometimes a costume change is forgotten. if this is the case post spring break, then so be it; however, if you are getting dressed for the night and you knowingly put on a sundress after dusk, you're wrong.  brace yourself for judgmental stares and snide comments for the rest of the evening.

3. if you like to wear sandals on the beach please first see the "head and shoulders..." post for pedicure requirements. on a side note, anything printed with pictures of flip flops are vom worthy.  even in Lilly form, I believe the image is something pageant queens see as the bees' knees. gross. also, kitten heels should be left to the feline family.  they're weird, ugly, and a poor excuse for women to pretend that they're actually wearing high heels.  they were invented as "trainer heels" in the 50's and they do weird things to your calves.

4. you're tan, it's warm, and you think your body is bangin'? that's fine, but DO NOT wear skin tight-spandex-esque shizz.  ESPECIALLY shorts that are so tight that they squeeze your thighs into sausage links or shirts that do the same thing with your arms.  you're not doing yourself, or anybody else, any favors.  if you can slide your AmEx into your respective article of clothing and it doesn't fall to the ground, its too tight.

5. it's sunny. squinting can lead to premature wrinkles.  sunglasses are a must (see above for classification of white plastic sunglasses though).  it's ok to slide them on top of your head out of convenience when you're running errands. on that note, if you wear them on your head with the sole intention of holding back your hair, please invest in a headband. that includes wearing them at night, in the rain, or throughout the duration of a class.  basically, if you have hairspray your glasses into place, its not really ok. 

I know there are many other fashion faux pa's that blemish Mercer's fabulous image, but these are my top 5 most important.  please feel free to leave your suggestions, thus helping those who cannot help themselves.

you want a dime that's top of the line?

a new month, a new post. 


with spring break just a few days away, the concern with "beach ready bodies" seems to be at an all time high. I don't believe in the gym, but from what I hear, it has been packed with girls ellipticizing at a rather alarming rate. I have also heard horror stories regarding dieting plans that are only a few calories away from starvation. scary!

I am not going to claim to be a health expert, but I wholeheartedly believe there is an alternative to these horrendous crash diet methods.  Ingesting a daily caloric value of about 3,000, I have been asked before what I do to keep from ballooning up to the size of a house/ fat professor. perhaps inspired by the Mary Katkins diet, or my ongoing beguilement with fad diets, I have created a health plan of my own: the coinstar method. 

yes, I am referring to that big green machine in the kroger that takes all of your change, and then magically converts it into real money (real money meaning dolla dolla bills and gift cards, of course). the coinstar method is simple and is done sans exercising. all you have to do is give your body theoretical pennies, nickels, quarters and dimes all day long. if you try to put too many coins in the machine, it will get full and cut you[r metabolism] off. on the contrary, if you only give your body a handful of coins all day long, it gets confused, angry, and it stops. 

interested? just think about what you eat, and roughly convert that into a handful of change: eat a bagel and cream cheese for breakfast? 50¢.
drink a 6 pack of beer? 60¢. 
eat an entire package of rice cakes? 0¢ (think of these as Canadaian pennies or leftover euros- they're useless and don't count for anything). 
sacful of krystals after the bar? $3.50 (really, you'd be better off just using it to pay ransom at MercerJail). 


any food you decide to give your body makes in impact in some way. as long as those impacts are spaced out throughout the day, your body will just be happy and keep going. I'm under the impression that if you are kind to your body, it will be kind back to you in gratitude. maybe this method is a little hippie in theory, but it seems to be working for me and my hips in real life. 

ps. if you really feel the need to work out, the only approved form on the CoinStar Method is through drinking. see video below for more information: 

warning: the coinstar method is in no way associated with Coinstar Center^® machines. side effects may include, but are not limited to: weight loss, wider range of vitamins ingested, increased energy levels, and diminishing beer belly/gut. 

PDA: Pathetic Displays of Affection.

due to the massive amounts of socially awkward freaks fondling each other today to celebrate their appreciation of the execution of a martyr or something, I feel the need to express my disdain for public displays of affection. 


ok, I'm single so maybe I'm bitter, but never have I ever condoned such nauseating behavior in any form or fashion. these repulsively distasteful deeds must be stopped (for both the good of my gag reflex, as well as for the betterment of the offenders themselves). 


so, if you're guilty of consummating such vile and vomitrocious acts, let me help you:


1. if I see your tongue touch another person's tongue, you're wrong. 
    -I don't want to see you smack your food, and I don't want to see you slobber on your boyfriend. if you really can't handle being away from each other the entire 50 minutes of class without making out first, you will not be able to spend an entire work day without doing so either. break the habit now. please.


2. unless you're drunk or a three year old creature, you should be able to walk without holding a hand. 
    - living a balanced life is healthy. start improving that balance by learning to walk on your own, literally. according to the educational documentary Along Came Polly, on average, only 1 in 6 people wash their hands after tinkling. gross. on a side note, getting stuck behind a meandering couple death gripping each other Duggar-style is frustrating. and gross. SO gross. 


3. why yes, I do mind when you grind. 
    - since the removal of the mirror in the rookery, mercerians and maconites alike have been flocking to the oh so klassy asylum to get their weekend freak fix.  I love dancing; however, I am more of a  footloose and less of a get loose kind of girl. call me old fashioned, but will somebody please explain to me why some skanks girls think it is acceptable to rub their butts on boys' genitals in tune to ke$ha's latest hit while in public? I can only assume what the desired goal of such said behavior is, and I think people doing this in mass quantities is disgusting. get a room. 


4. facebook is public. 
    - posting pictures of make out sessions is not as cute as you probably think it is. also, writing wall to wall with your "honey baby boo bear" exclaiming your love makes you look like an uneducated grandmother. if you really feel the urge to tell your sugarplum muffin how much you adore them, put it in a text, a message, or an email (or just call them?). in the meantime, I can guarantee you are being "hidden" from your friends' news feeds at an increasingly alarming rate.  


no, I'm not going to get all bon jovi and tell you that you give love a bad name for violating these socially acceptable standards, yet it is definitely not positive advertising... 

head and shoulders...

... knees and toes. knees and toes. 


it would be far to great to expound upon all of the personal hygiene issues that plague mercer's campus. instead, I'm focusing my attention this week to 4 critical body parts that some mercerians apparently ignore while grooming. why they want to be so disgusting I'll never know. in the interim, here are my suggestions to fix such said matters. 


the head. 
       whether you want to reference benjamin franklin's quote about cutting off a snake's head in order to kill it (and I can only assume subsequently turning the creature into a pair of shoes), or the sassy Queen of Hearts' obliging "off with their heads!" order, the message is obviously clear: take care of the head, or get rid of it. listen up mercer students, that message still applies today. now I'm not doing anything crazy like asking for hair to be brushed on a daily basis, I am asking for some simple scalp care. please: no dandruff, refrain from scratching your head with your nails and making that terrible noise, and it would be nice if you could degrease before class. and in the event you cannot perform such basic procedures, throw a hat on it at least. thanks. 


the shoulders. 
       see above for dandruff residue prevention. 


the knees. 
       knees are gross. they are bony and lumpy, and really not very cute. but do you know what's even more uncute? the hair that grows in the elbow of the knee. I know it is a pain to shave that patch, but please, ladies, let's take one for the team and remove of this terrifying tuft of hair. 


the toes. 
       anybody that knows me can attest to the fact that I constantly have my nails done. my personal vexation with feet (which was currently fueled by that most disgusting scene in Black Swan) often causes my pedicure appointments to lapse. when this misfortune does occur, however, I do not prance around in open toed shoes; I do not wear sandals; I do not run around bare foot. Instead, I religiously wear socks,  and do not allow said stockings to be removed until my cuticle catastrophe can be  corrected. 
       also, boys, you are not exempt from having to have clean, cared after toe nails. pedicures are actually very relaxing and wonderful and should be utilized by all of God's creatures. 


so, overall, please just groom. I know this post is substandard, but the message is very important to me.  if just one person reads this and starts to nair their "popliteal fossa," or if that girl in my business class covers up her unsightly talons, I will be happy. 


ps. if I am given better suggestions, I will gladly write about them! 

If I ran the Circus...

Whenever I complain about the parking availability on campus (or lack thereof), I am often informed that there is a brand new parking lot with plenty of empty spots behind the baseball field. While this is not only what I can only assume to be the equivocal distance of a half marathon (you know I don't believe in exercise, and that trek would surely result in the asthma attacking), it is also the spot where a mystery man robbed a student at gunpoint last week. 

Just days later, an unidentified man wandered into the Pan house on Greek Row around 4am, and then proceeded to try and force his way into a sleeping sorostitute's room (think less successful, yet more rambunctious and persistent version of the Amy Abel bed intruder incident of 2010).  

Unfortunately, not every Mercer student can get very Mary Kate and simply hire a bodyguard to ensure their safety (or to make them smoothies for when they're woozies). The Merpo cannot be expected to singlehandedly make the encroaching surrounding ghetto disappear or to magically create easily accessible parking spots (unless they decide to double as valet parkers). But, like most students, I can easily rattle off  a multitude of incidents that have occurred on campus and that have made me legitimately fearful at times- incidents that could have been prevented. 


Obviously, I haven't been frightened enough, as I still reside in an on-campus ticky-tacky, but the only time I prefer to be lily-livered is when I make myself a drink in my Lilly martini shaker. So, here are my suggestions that are sure to lead students to an increased feeling of safety while on campus...

1. Figure out the trolley stop BEARings (see, I'm still being Mercer-tastic).

The trolley stop has been moved to the dark and remote parking lot next to the Merpo station- you know, the one that shares a fence with the former stomping grounds of Young Jeezy and where cars get broken into on the regular. Between the trolley's temperamental timing and the decommissioned trolley tracker, waiting for Miss Molly can turn into a sobering endeavor that feels like an eternity. That experience could be improved if waiting occurred under a covered, well-lit, inhabited spot on campus (think three stops ago next to the fratcastles).  

2. Smile for the camera!  

There are a multitude of cameras affixed to buildings all over campus, and while the Orwell tactic may deter some hooligans from engaging in their delinquent ways, the videos still need to be watched and monitored.  Recently, I heard a man knocking on my window and called Merpo.  When they arrived at my house (about 15 minutes later), the man was gone.  I never heard anything else from them, but had they watched the video, they would have seen a male student standing and knocking on the window ledge of my room. There was also a break in last year in some apartments on campus where the cameras had recorded a man trying all of the door handles, entering a room, leaving, coming back, and leaving again when he was startled by the girl who woke up and found him standing over her bed.  

3. Priortize the "danger zones." 

Running a stop sign in a parking lot could potentially harm a birdbrained pedestrian. A man holding a gun to my head, stealing my purse and my phone, and making me ruin my Alaia dress will definitely scar me for life (Yes, that was a Clueless reference). Please patrol areas where danger is more of a threat.

4. Check ID's. 

No, that man dressed head to toe in a solid color, throwing gang symbols with his hands while simutaneously rolling a child's bike down the sidewalk is NOT an undergraduate student.  Please remove him from campus, and then return the indubitably stolen bike back to whatever child it came from.  

5. Parking tickets 

It has been said before that the Merpo give out parking tickets like candy.  My proposal is that they actually give out candy.  Little Toby shaped gummy bears or snack packs of Skittles would make my day far more enjoyable.  Plus, sometimes I get famished when walking across campus given the contengency I actually find a parking spot, and those could help restore my energy.  Or, they could just be given out as rewards for people who follow the rules?  

In conclusion, I'm not asking that the Merpo get Rambo style with AK47's and army tanks, nor am I criticizing what they are doing now.  I am just vocalizing things that would make me feel safer, and I can only assume they would put other students at ease as well.