after spending the past week in warm, tropical, and exotic places, many mercerians are confused upon returning back to the macongo. in an attempt to salvage what little bit is left of my own sanity, while also maybe helping some clueless individuals around me, I have decided to help with a short little list of what not to wear. I know, I'm no Stacey London (I refuse to have that "dignified" steak of grey in my hair), but I have been told before that my fashion sense isn't completely horrid.
1. while it may be getting warmer, Easter has still not occurred. that means NO white shoes, shorts, or anything else. until we celebrate christ emerging from the tomb and seeing the light, you better emerge from your dorm and make others see the white. also, why it shouldn't even have to be said, plastic white jewelry/ accessories are disgusting. NO NO NO.
2. sundresses are deemed so because you're supposed to wear them in the sun, aka: during the day. I know when you're at the beach, and daytime drinking turns into midnight, sometimes a costume change is forgotten. if this is the case post spring break, then so be it; however, if you are getting dressed for the night and you knowingly put on a sundress after dusk, you're wrong. brace yourself for judgmental stares and snide comments for the rest of the evening.
3. if you like to wear sandals on the beach please first see the "head and shoulders..." post for pedicure requirements. on a side note, anything printed with pictures of flip flops are vom worthy. even in Lilly form, I believe the image is something pageant queens see as the bees' knees. gross. also, kitten heels should be left to the feline family. they're weird, ugly, and a poor excuse for women to pretend that they're actually wearing high heels. they were invented as "trainer heels" in the 50's and they do weird things to your calves.
4. you're tan, it's warm, and you think your body is bangin'? that's fine, but DO NOT wear skin tight-spandex-esque shizz. ESPECIALLY shorts that are so tight that they squeeze your thighs into sausage links or shirts that do the same thing with your arms. you're not doing yourself, or anybody else, any favors. if you can slide your AmEx into your respective article of clothing and it doesn't fall to the ground, its too tight.
5. it's sunny. squinting can lead to premature wrinkles. sunglasses are a must (see above for classification of white plastic sunglasses though). it's ok to slide them on top of your head out of convenience when you're running errands. on that note, if you wear them on your head with the sole intention of holding back your hair, please invest in a headband. that includes wearing them at night, in the rain, or throughout the duration of a class. basically, if you have hairspray your glasses into place, its not really ok.
I know there are many other fashion faux pa's that blemish Mercer's fabulous image, but these are my top 5 most important. please feel free to leave your suggestions, thus helping those who cannot help themselves.
6. To jhort or not to jhort? That is the question. I think I've found the formula for denim shorts success. Step 1, look at the tag. Do you see over 5% of spandex? If so, burn those babies. Step 2, slide them on. Did it take some muscles? Did you break a nail while trying to zip your fupa into your denim girdle? If so, abort mission! If you've made it this far, get physical for step 3. Move around, sit down, cross your legs, walk up some stairs. Do your jhorts ride up into a cami-toe? Do you sprout a muffin-top? Are your celly-craters bulging on your thighs? If so, you have 2 options. 1. Remove, lose 10 lbs, and repeat step 3. 2. Buy a larger size. Made it through steps 1, 2 and 3 and still look legit? Rock those jhorts night and day!
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