PDA: Pathetic Displays of Affection.

due to the massive amounts of socially awkward freaks fondling each other today to celebrate their appreciation of the execution of a martyr or something, I feel the need to express my disdain for public displays of affection. 


ok, I'm single so maybe I'm bitter, but never have I ever condoned such nauseating behavior in any form or fashion. these repulsively distasteful deeds must be stopped (for both the good of my gag reflex, as well as for the betterment of the offenders themselves). 


so, if you're guilty of consummating such vile and vomitrocious acts, let me help you:


1. if I see your tongue touch another person's tongue, you're wrong. 
    -I don't want to see you smack your food, and I don't want to see you slobber on your boyfriend. if you really can't handle being away from each other the entire 50 minutes of class without making out first, you will not be able to spend an entire work day without doing so either. break the habit now. please.


2. unless you're drunk or a three year old creature, you should be able to walk without holding a hand. 
    - living a balanced life is healthy. start improving that balance by learning to walk on your own, literally. according to the educational documentary Along Came Polly, on average, only 1 in 6 people wash their hands after tinkling. gross. on a side note, getting stuck behind a meandering couple death gripping each other Duggar-style is frustrating. and gross. SO gross. 


3. why yes, I do mind when you grind. 
    - since the removal of the mirror in the rookery, mercerians and maconites alike have been flocking to the oh so klassy asylum to get their weekend freak fix.  I love dancing; however, I am more of a  footloose and less of a get loose kind of girl. call me old fashioned, but will somebody please explain to me why some skanks girls think it is acceptable to rub their butts on boys' genitals in tune to ke$ha's latest hit while in public? I can only assume what the desired goal of such said behavior is, and I think people doing this in mass quantities is disgusting. get a room. 


4. facebook is public. 
    - posting pictures of make out sessions is not as cute as you probably think it is. also, writing wall to wall with your "honey baby boo bear" exclaiming your love makes you look like an uneducated grandmother. if you really feel the urge to tell your sugarplum muffin how much you adore them, put it in a text, a message, or an email (or just call them?). in the meantime, I can guarantee you are being "hidden" from your friends' news feeds at an increasingly alarming rate.  


no, I'm not going to get all bon jovi and tell you that you give love a bad name for violating these socially acceptable standards, yet it is definitely not positive advertising...