PDA: Pathetic Displays of Affection.

due to the massive amounts of socially awkward freaks fondling each other today to celebrate their appreciation of the execution of a martyr or something, I feel the need to express my disdain for public displays of affection. 


ok, I'm single so maybe I'm bitter, but never have I ever condoned such nauseating behavior in any form or fashion. these repulsively distasteful deeds must be stopped (for both the good of my gag reflex, as well as for the betterment of the offenders themselves). 


so, if you're guilty of consummating such vile and vomitrocious acts, let me help you:


1. if I see your tongue touch another person's tongue, you're wrong. 
    -I don't want to see you smack your food, and I don't want to see you slobber on your boyfriend. if you really can't handle being away from each other the entire 50 minutes of class without making out first, you will not be able to spend an entire work day without doing so either. break the habit now. please.


2. unless you're drunk or a three year old creature, you should be able to walk without holding a hand. 
    - living a balanced life is healthy. start improving that balance by learning to walk on your own, literally. according to the educational documentary Along Came Polly, on average, only 1 in 6 people wash their hands after tinkling. gross. on a side note, getting stuck behind a meandering couple death gripping each other Duggar-style is frustrating. and gross. SO gross. 


3. why yes, I do mind when you grind. 
    - since the removal of the mirror in the rookery, mercerians and maconites alike have been flocking to the oh so klassy asylum to get their weekend freak fix.  I love dancing; however, I am more of a  footloose and less of a get loose kind of girl. call me old fashioned, but will somebody please explain to me why some skanks girls think it is acceptable to rub their butts on boys' genitals in tune to ke$ha's latest hit while in public? I can only assume what the desired goal of such said behavior is, and I think people doing this in mass quantities is disgusting. get a room. 


4. facebook is public. 
    - posting pictures of make out sessions is not as cute as you probably think it is. also, writing wall to wall with your "honey baby boo bear" exclaiming your love makes you look like an uneducated grandmother. if you really feel the urge to tell your sugarplum muffin how much you adore them, put it in a text, a message, or an email (or just call them?). in the meantime, I can guarantee you are being "hidden" from your friends' news feeds at an increasingly alarming rate.  


no, I'm not going to get all bon jovi and tell you that you give love a bad name for violating these socially acceptable standards, yet it is definitely not positive advertising... 

head and shoulders...

... knees and toes. knees and toes. 


it would be far to great to expound upon all of the personal hygiene issues that plague mercer's campus. instead, I'm focusing my attention this week to 4 critical body parts that some mercerians apparently ignore while grooming. why they want to be so disgusting I'll never know. in the interim, here are my suggestions to fix such said matters. 


the head. 
       whether you want to reference benjamin franklin's quote about cutting off a snake's head in order to kill it (and I can only assume subsequently turning the creature into a pair of shoes), or the sassy Queen of Hearts' obliging "off with their heads!" order, the message is obviously clear: take care of the head, or get rid of it. listen up mercer students, that message still applies today. now I'm not doing anything crazy like asking for hair to be brushed on a daily basis, I am asking for some simple scalp care. please: no dandruff, refrain from scratching your head with your nails and making that terrible noise, and it would be nice if you could degrease before class. and in the event you cannot perform such basic procedures, throw a hat on it at least. thanks. 


the shoulders. 
       see above for dandruff residue prevention. 


the knees. 
       knees are gross. they are bony and lumpy, and really not very cute. but do you know what's even more uncute? the hair that grows in the elbow of the knee. I know it is a pain to shave that patch, but please, ladies, let's take one for the team and remove of this terrifying tuft of hair. 


the toes. 
       anybody that knows me can attest to the fact that I constantly have my nails done. my personal vexation with feet (which was currently fueled by that most disgusting scene in Black Swan) often causes my pedicure appointments to lapse. when this misfortune does occur, however, I do not prance around in open toed shoes; I do not wear sandals; I do not run around bare foot. Instead, I religiously wear socks,  and do not allow said stockings to be removed until my cuticle catastrophe can be  corrected. 
       also, boys, you are not exempt from having to have clean, cared after toe nails. pedicures are actually very relaxing and wonderful and should be utilized by all of God's creatures. 


so, overall, please just groom. I know this post is substandard, but the message is very important to me.  if just one person reads this and starts to nair their "popliteal fossa," or if that girl in my business class covers up her unsightly talons, I will be happy. 


ps. if I am given better suggestions, I will gladly write about them! 

If I ran the Circus...

Whenever I complain about the parking availability on campus (or lack thereof), I am often informed that there is a brand new parking lot with plenty of empty spots behind the baseball field. While this is not only what I can only assume to be the equivocal distance of a half marathon (you know I don't believe in exercise, and that trek would surely result in the asthma attacking), it is also the spot where a mystery man robbed a student at gunpoint last week. 

Just days later, an unidentified man wandered into the Pan house on Greek Row around 4am, and then proceeded to try and force his way into a sleeping sorostitute's room (think less successful, yet more rambunctious and persistent version of the Amy Abel bed intruder incident of 2010).  

Unfortunately, not every Mercer student can get very Mary Kate and simply hire a bodyguard to ensure their safety (or to make them smoothies for when they're woozies). The Merpo cannot be expected to singlehandedly make the encroaching surrounding ghetto disappear or to magically create easily accessible parking spots (unless they decide to double as valet parkers). But, like most students, I can easily rattle off  a multitude of incidents that have occurred on campus and that have made me legitimately fearful at times- incidents that could have been prevented. 


Obviously, I haven't been frightened enough, as I still reside in an on-campus ticky-tacky, but the only time I prefer to be lily-livered is when I make myself a drink in my Lilly martini shaker. So, here are my suggestions that are sure to lead students to an increased feeling of safety while on campus...

1. Figure out the trolley stop BEARings (see, I'm still being Mercer-tastic).

The trolley stop has been moved to the dark and remote parking lot next to the Merpo station- you know, the one that shares a fence with the former stomping grounds of Young Jeezy and where cars get broken into on the regular. Between the trolley's temperamental timing and the decommissioned trolley tracker, waiting for Miss Molly can turn into a sobering endeavor that feels like an eternity. That experience could be improved if waiting occurred under a covered, well-lit, inhabited spot on campus (think three stops ago next to the fratcastles).  

2. Smile for the camera!  

There are a multitude of cameras affixed to buildings all over campus, and while the Orwell tactic may deter some hooligans from engaging in their delinquent ways, the videos still need to be watched and monitored.  Recently, I heard a man knocking on my window and called Merpo.  When they arrived at my house (about 15 minutes later), the man was gone.  I never heard anything else from them, but had they watched the video, they would have seen a male student standing and knocking on the window ledge of my room. There was also a break in last year in some apartments on campus where the cameras had recorded a man trying all of the door handles, entering a room, leaving, coming back, and leaving again when he was startled by the girl who woke up and found him standing over her bed.  

3. Priortize the "danger zones." 

Running a stop sign in a parking lot could potentially harm a birdbrained pedestrian. A man holding a gun to my head, stealing my purse and my phone, and making me ruin my Alaia dress will definitely scar me for life (Yes, that was a Clueless reference). Please patrol areas where danger is more of a threat.

4. Check ID's. 

No, that man dressed head to toe in a solid color, throwing gang symbols with his hands while simutaneously rolling a child's bike down the sidewalk is NOT an undergraduate student.  Please remove him from campus, and then return the indubitably stolen bike back to whatever child it came from.  

5. Parking tickets 

It has been said before that the Merpo give out parking tickets like candy.  My proposal is that they actually give out candy.  Little Toby shaped gummy bears or snack packs of Skittles would make my day far more enjoyable.  Plus, sometimes I get famished when walking across campus given the contengency I actually find a parking spot, and those could help restore my energy.  Or, they could just be given out as rewards for people who follow the rules?  

In conclusion, I'm not asking that the Merpo get Rambo style with AK47's and army tanks, nor am I criticizing what they are doing now.  I am just vocalizing things that would make me feel safer, and I can only assume they would put other students at ease as well. 

B-L-O-G-G, type those keys and follow me...

...yes that was a reference to the musical genius Kim Zolciac. 

I feel the need to preface this post by sincerely and wholeheartedly declaring that this blog is in no way intended to hurt any specific individuals’ feelings or anything mean or hateful like that.   Rather, after spending three and a half years on the Mercer campus, there are still mysteries that I need to solve before the culmination of my college experience. For example, why does the UC stop serving breakfast at 10:30 when classes get out at 10:40? Why does it take 5 agonizing hours to register for classes? Why can’t the MerPo just valet my car instead of giving me a ticket, as they probably necessitate the same amount of time and effort (this one is for you, Brittany)?

Since blogging is all the rage right now and I’m a trendy teeny bopper at heart, I’m hopping on this bewailing band wagon.  Between now and graduation I will be exploring the obscurities I see, giving my opinions about aforementioned anacoluthon, and proposing solutions (some more plausible and realistic than others). Please feel free to submit questions, and I’ll see what I can come up with.

xoxo

Bianca