due to the massive amounts of socially awkward freaks fondling each other today to celebrate their appreciation of the execution of a martyr or something, I feel the need to express my disdain for public displays of affection.
ok, I'm single so maybe I'm bitter, but never have I ever condoned such nauseating behavior in any form or fashion. these repulsively distasteful deeds must be stopped (for both the good of my gag reflex, as well as for the betterment of the offenders themselves).
so, if you're guilty of consummating such vile and vomitrocious acts, let me help you:
1. if I see your tongue touch another person's tongue, you're wrong.
-I don't want to see you smack your food, and I don't want to see you slobber on your boyfriend. if you really can't handle being away from each other the entire 50 minutes of class without making out first, you will not be able to spend an entire work day without doing so either. break the habit now. please.
2. unless you're drunk or a three year old creature, you should be able to walk without holding a hand.
- living a balanced life is healthy. start improving that balance by learning to walk on your own, literally. according to the educational documentary Along Came Polly, on average, only 1 in 6 people wash their hands after tinkling. gross. on a side note, getting stuck behind a meandering couple death gripping each other Duggar-style is frustrating. and gross. SO gross.
3. why yes, I do mind when you grind.
- since the removal of the mirror in the rookery, mercerians and maconites alike have been flocking to the oh so klassy asylum to get their weekend freak fix. I love dancing; however, I am more of a footloose and less of a get loose kind of girl. call me old fashioned, but will somebody please explain to me why some skanks girls think it is acceptable to rub their butts on boys' genitals in tune to ke$ha's latest hit while in public? I can only assume what the desired goal of such said behavior is, and I think people doing this in mass quantities is disgusting. get a room.
4. facebook is public.
- posting pictures of make out sessions is not as cute as you probably think it is. also, writing wall to wall with your "honey baby boo bear" exclaiming your love makes you look like an uneducated grandmother. if you really feel the urge to tell your sugarplum muffin how much you adore them, put it in a text, a message, or an email (or just call them?). in the meantime, I can guarantee you are being "hidden" from your friends' news feeds at an increasingly alarming rate.
no, I'm not going to get all bon jovi and tell you that you give love a bad name for violating these socially acceptable standards, yet it is definitely not positive advertising...
.
.. knees and toes. knees and toes.
it would be far to great to expound upon all of the personal hygiene issues that plague mercer's campus. instead, I'm focusing my attention this week to 4 critical body parts that some mercerians apparently ignore while grooming. why they want to be so disgusting I'll never know. in the interim, here are my suggestions to fix such said matters.
the head.
whether you want to reference benjamin franklin's quote about cutting off a snake's head in order to kill it (and I can only assume subsequently turning the creature into a pair of shoes), or the sassy Queen of Hearts' obliging "off with their heads!" order, the message is obviously clear: take care of the head, or get rid of it. listen up mercer students, that message still applies today. now I'm not doing anything crazy like asking for hair to be brushed on a daily basis, I am asking for some simple scalp care. please: no dandruff, refrain from scratching your head with your nails and making that terrible noise, and it would be nice if you could degrease before class. and in the event you cannot perform such basic procedures, throw a hat on it at least. thanks.
the shoulders.
see above for dandruff residue prevention.
the knees.
knees are gross. they are bony and lumpy, and really not very cute. but do you know what's even more uncute? the hair that grows in the elbow of the knee. I know it is a pain to shave that patch, but please, ladies, let's take one for the team and remove of this terrifying tuft of hair.
the toes.
anybody that knows me can attest to the fact that I constantly have my nails done. my personal vexation with feet (which was currently fueled by that most disgusting scene in Black Swan) often causes my pedicure appointments to lapse. when this misfortune does occur, however, I do not prance around in open toed shoes; I do not wear sandals; I do not run around bare foot. Instead, I religiously wear socks, and do not allow said stockings to be removed until my cuticle catastrophe can be corrected.
also, boys, you are not exempt from having to have clean, cared after toe nails. pedicures are actually very relaxing and wonderful and should be utilized by all of God's creatures.
so, overall, please just groom. I know this post is substandard, but the message is very important to me. if just one person reads this and starts to nair their "popliteal fossa," or if that girl in my business class covers up her unsightly talons, I will be happy.
ps. if I am given better suggestions, I will gladly write about them!
